Thursday, July 17, 2008

New boys is not lookish so goodish

London Fields 158/5 defeated New Boys 154/4

Part time hay slasher and pig farmer Yorta Ztu reports:

I from Bulgaria just holiday one week to see cousin from uncle side (the one who run farm of spot pig in homeland) – Tyrone. He good man and respect big in home country cause has moustache (although extra bit on chin not so fashion hot). He tell me late I play cricket for team. He call me ringer. In Bulgaria this mean licky of poop part but he tell me no same here. I play not for time since 1987 after wood strike finished in Belarus and timber now can be used for to makest hit bat. I nervous.

Some men toss – I look away. New boy gets hits first and we to bowls balls. Some Englishes mens first bowls. Stefan look quick and I shitty to think to hits this speedy ball. 2 overs and new boys is hitting 16 runners. Also first is Dave – he makes 2 men go off field and Tyrone's friends to cheer him and slap bot. Also cousin is sending backs one of new boy and man in the lead of team, Will also does same. Much touching of hands and shoulders and some sneaky to bot. I is forced to throw some and cousin taked catch and new boy go back to. I having to turn much to stop mens touchy on bots.

New boy Rafu getted 51 runners and he leave for bit. Some others 27 and 28 runners. 1 new boy score no runners and he looked like prize winning pig been fall down sick sick.

Some Tyrone friends saying it dark and hard to see balls. I shitty some more cause balls hard and maybe hurt best hay slashing arm if hits it. Mens Paul and Alex wear big cushion leg and glove and putting the fake pee pee in long pants then take bats (what a country that bats been made with no strikers for timber!) and seek to “keep heads down and play self in”. This from leads man Will. I thinking this a strange game and wishing instead for game of Kurtzen houster in barn.

Open mens good start and Paul score 28 runners but Alex friend leave field with 3 runners and cousin team looking not so good. Lead Will talk loud and runners much fast but he let downed by some mens in team. Man in jeans call self Jason smelling little like Papa's potato distil party drink in barn barrel. He look best cause has mens playing crickets on tshirt but this to fool team I think cause he leave field with 2 runners and leads man drop head. Rafu new boy bowl quick and I still shitty thinking I soon to batter for cousin team. Rafu speedy bowl and small tree three of them knock down and bowler man Dave coming back to side as well. Thens I have costume and walk to Leads man Will. He telling me much of Rafu new boy and say I must keep wicket. I tighten bot hole and copy friends in team I see from side. I have funs and hay arm stay safety. Then I feels dark belly cause lead man Will have small tree three of them knock down and leave field.

Speedy bowler man Stefan come to be with me but I feels not too good. He has the hit stick with pink holder rubber. In Bulgaria he feel fist and kick from mens cause they think he poop hole ringer for pink loving. I think maybe not his bat but friends bat cause he hit balls good and mens in new boys team runs but we don't and man behind small trees wave arm like brother Holga waved goodbye after shoulder injured in wheat machine. Much claps from Tyrone my cousin and friends. I think bests to keep speedy hard balls from hay arm and swings hit stick and balls is flying much far. I runners hard like lead Will man does but much often low waving man says to me ball gone and I to stop. Ball not gone cause it come back and new boys team dropping the head and saying the words used only in Bulgaria for mens to show love of wife, like shitty, and fucker. Then new friend Stefan hit balls to field and we runner and cheering from Tyrone and friends and we stop game and people touching shoulder and hand and bot but this time not mind cause have pee pee fake and they no touch there. Some mens say thank you for hitting balls far and tells me I score 49 runners not out but I confused cause had to leave fields. Lead mans Will say we winned 158 runners they only 154 or near.

Then cousin and friends take me to pub which again remind of Papa potato barrel smell and I not sure what happening when mens all to drinked cold pee pee with the bubble but I drinks some cause cousin tell me not so bad. I is drinking many and mens is telling stories from trip to country near home – Slovenia - where lead mans Will have bot slap from cousin and friend and they say he make sound like mens do with ladies in the warm area. I sees pink on his bag of padded hands and legs things and I think things much different in Lunden then Bulgaria. Much cousins friends slapping the back when leave but I protect hay arm and they say I good ringer and I is thinking this better than washing mud from pig bot back in homelend.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Is there a team the Fields can look to outscore? Quoth the Raven, 'Nevermore!'

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

London Fields 151/3 lost to Tower Ravens 158/2 by 7 runs

Paul ‘Everything in its right place’ Teasdale Reports:

Things didn’t get off to the smoothest of starts on Wednesday night for the first league game of the second league, in the second division of the mid week season as traffic and work commitments meant the club kit couldn’t be picked up by a nameless ‘Idioteque’ shirker giving captain Will ‘A Wolf at the Door’ Isaac the job of balancing about three bags, a set of stumps and 12 juggling monkeys on his bike and race from POPT to Vicky Park for a revised 6.45 start. In the interim, the Fielders already at the ground employed the unorthodox but oft employed warm-up routine of languidly smoking fags whilst watching the opposition, in this case Tower Ravens, bullseye the stumps from 30 yards.

Reduced to 14 overs a side, and with the toss forfeited due to reasons explained above, the Ravens had no hesitation in batting first in the warm evening sunshine with the spooky psych-folk of Bat for Lashes reverberating around the park, probably sending the synesthetic Troy ‘The Tourist’ Utz into a benneton coloured, acid-trail filled hallucination. Opening for the Fields came specialist into the wind bowler Tyrone ‘Knives Out’ Graham who bowled a mix bag of fast, straight, decent stuff and… some other stuff. He did however clean bowl one of the Ravens’ openers with a ravishing beauty and was a bit unlucky with a couple of ‘close’ shouts of leg before.

From the other end and utilizing both the wind and sun at his back Arthur ‘Treefingers’ Smart, bowled a disciplined length getting some tennis ball bounce that held the aggressive batsman Kev largely in check. With the Ravens’ batters less comfortable with the pace taken off the ball, Will replaced Ty with Dave ‘Nude’ Miller who bowled his flat darts, ironically, at a decent pace. Taz almost got an immediate breakthrough with a slashed drive just too high for Dave ‘True Love Waits’ Lane fielding at backward point.

Still, the Raven’s were ticking at about 10 an over thanks largely to good running and the dispatchment of the bad ball to the boundary. On came True Love Waits as a like for like replacement for Treefingers who was unlucky not to get a wicket in his spell. Though he bowled with good flight, the Raven’s began chancing their collective arm and started targeting the tennis courts just behind the midwicket boundary. Troy fielding in the deep, did well to get to a swerving howitzer that he probably saw, heard and smelt but sadly, dropped.

With Tower Ravens finishing on 156 from their allotted over’s with 2 of their batsmen reaching 50, the Fields were left needing roughly 11 an over from their 14. Openers Paul ‘Everything in its right place’ Teasdale and ‘True Love Waits’ needed to get off to a flyer and were going at a decent lick when in a moment of cricketing savagery that Paul Collingwood would have admired, Everything in its right place- who seems to have set himself the target of running out every member of the club this season-called True Love Waits through for an ambitious second leaving him well and truly ‘High and Dry’. Apart from this early aberration, the Fields chased pretty gamely going at about 9 on over off the first 10 with ‘One Shot’ Will employing his er, one shot to good effect. However, with run out specialist Teas retired on 50 and then Treefingers getting a textbook slow yorker early on, the remaining Field’s batsmen were left with quite a lot off not very many. The Fields never-say-die attitude meant lusty blows were struck but inevitably wickets tumbled with the pressure on; Taz’s 6 off the last ball leaving the Fields 7 short of the Raven’s score.

Cue much soul searching, head scratching and later, chin stroking with this being the 6th midweek loss on the bounce, as some of the defeated players piled into Teas’ toy car, retreating to POTP to rehydrate and display an impressive interest in a range of conversational topics that they know almost nothing about from the merits of historical revisionism concerning the Anzac involvement in WW1 and its implications on the subsequent Ashes results, to how the hell electrons know whether they are a 1 or a 0.

Scorecard to follow...

Saturday, June 14, 2008


Fields Batting

R Friend bowled 0
R Astley lbw 8
Ben run out 0
W Issac not out 62
S Proud bowled 11
T Graham run out 2
Extras 34
Total 107

Goodmayes Batting

Saqib not out 39
Raja-Khan ct Issac bl Ty 0
Imran ct Friend bl Ben 16
Omar-Raja ct Friend bl Astley 47
Kamran not out 6
Exras 10
Total 108

Fields bowling

Tyrone 3 . 0 . 16 . 1
Ben 3 . 0 . 25 . 1
Will 2 . 0 . 27 . 0
Stefan 2.2 . 0 . 24 . 0
Robin A 1 . 0 . 8 . 1


Still no match report or scores from Birdcage, so here's the result from the following game:


Everyone involved in this valiant display can hold their head up high after a six man London Fields fought tooth and nail to win pride if not overall victory in a match which probably should have been called off. The recent foul weather was to be seen in abundance and despite entreaties to halve the match Goodmayes insisted on play. Unless the match was to be forfeited before a ball was bowled the Fields had to play. And at 6;40 play started in the most disastrous fashion. Absent men who'd not managed to get to the game meant steady starts were needed but Robin Friend, who'd had a good run with the bat, was bowled third ball. Then in the same opening over Ben, keen to get a run on the board set of on a suicidal run and was sent back but could not make his ground.

If ever a captain's innings was needed it was now and Will Issac did not disappoint. The tidy bowling was fended of at one end by Robin Astley in reprise of his Slovenian Anchor role as Will set about anything loose and gained another mid week 50 retired, returning at the death to hit another twelve runs. Will made their fielders pay for dropping him with some clean hitting all over the park. In comparison the sluggish Robin was finally out plumb hitting across the line, which brought Stefan to the crease scoring 11. And with Ty (2) and the returning Will, the score was pushed up to 107 off 12 overs.

In one of the middle overs a bizarre set of loose deliveries saw to full tosses end up at square leg! Unfortunately for the Fields the bowler did not return after an expensive effort.

Confident of victory Goodmayes set about their task knowing that with effectively only four fielders to beat the work should not have been taxing. But oh how the Fields fought, harried and threw themselves at every shot. Will snaffled the sodden ball at mid off from Tyrone's first over and returning one for sixteen off three, Ty was the pick of the bowling. He also induced two edges and on another day could have had three wickets but with the rain slanting down the ball became a slippery bar of soap. Ben at the other end coaxed their dangerous number three to pull poorly and Robin Friend took the swirler. All the bowlers battled manfully to bowl to a Three/one field and Robin Friend was energetic behind the stumps but Goodmayes steadied their ship with a few boundaries. Will and Stefan then gave it all they had but It was impossible to defend the total even if ever fielder did the job of two men, and despite Robin Astley Taking a late wicket,
Goodmayes got to the finishing post with four balls to spare.
Who knows how the scorebook would have read had the team fielded eight men as committed to the cause as all the six that took part

Thursday, June 05, 2008


We've lost a few games recently. Reports to come once Birdcage sorts himself out.

Thursday, May 29, 2008


London Fields 152/3 lost to Bengal Tigers 154/3 by 4 wickets

Yes it was an evening of tension, sporting endeavor and lung busting effort, galvanizing a
rapped audience into a frenzied throng of ear splitting cheers and
groans of despair mournful
enough to wake the dead.
But while John terry was about to take his fateful penalty pratfall, another bunch of sportsmen
groaned their own laments of dissolution at a match witnessed by a bloke on a bike, a couple of
dogs (Canine variety) and oddly a fire engine. Still, the Fields toiled and burst their lungs in a vain,
but valiant mirroring of Chelsea’s defeat, not once begrudging the lack of Russian soldiers dressing
up as man utd fans on the sidelines.
Things Had Look oh so bright at the start of play, with a confident side engaged in some show
offish catching practice as the Tigers arrived. The Burly and tousle-haired captain duly won the
toss and appointed John Avery and Robin Friend to lead the big game hunt. And how they set
about the wayward Tigers bowling! With great relish, boundaries and extras flowed like the beer
in a Moscow hostelry. With the score racing along and the batter’s flashing blades cutting a swathe,
the unthinkable happened when a shock on the money ball, was tickled to the keeper by Robin. His
sturdy effort cut short on 14. Nick Isaac strode out and in possibly his last ever mid week match
suddenly had to face markedly improved bowling. John forced the ball away beautifully and survived
a couple of lives to retire on 50. Chris joined Nick in a very sticky mid period as Tigers new boy
Darren almost cleaned him up. But Bravely Chris employed some Pietersonesque swats to the
boundary to get the scorecard ticking again. Nick was caught and Dave Lane added his valuable
18. Robin Astley replaced Chris who’d been bowled and knocked the odd ball to fine leg The
Fields finished with 152 on the card. The innings rounded off nicely with an off driven four.
While not being complacent, the Fields felt confident as the opposition had only scored 70 odd in
previous games, as it turned out the Tiger was wounded but in no way finished off. They roared out
of the blocks as our heroes shipped runs in every corner of the park. Will Issac suffered a torrid
time, while Tyrone Graham fared better at the other end whilst first change bowler Robin tossed
up a mixed bag and lost his rag after seemingly harsh wide calls and a plumb L.B.W refusal. Ty’s
spell was over and still no wicket had been taken, the tigers on course with 95 scored after ten
overs. Birdcage finally made the breakthrough as he trapped the suspiciously good opening bat
in front. Bowling a clever mixed pace over things started to look up, but it was to no avail as another
big hitter smacked the ball around Victoria park. Rallying his shell shocked troops Chris Skinner
took the ball and tried manfully to wrestle back the initiative but despite fine work from Nick, John
Robin Friend behind the stumps, two run outs were all Chris was rewarded with. In total three
catches went down in murky light and the Tigers needed five from Chris’s last over. He made them
work for it but they crossed the line with two balls to spare.
Truthfully, if the tigers had held on to their chances, they may well have been chasing a smaller
target. The evening was summed up eloquently by Robin Friend. ‘Aw man, losing SUCKS!’
NB. Special thanks to Chris and his Austrian keg and John Terry for cheering everyone up

Thursday, May 22, 2008


London Fields 152/3

J Avery         Retired              50
R Friend caught behind 14
N Issac caught 8
C Skinner bowled 18
D Lane not out 18
R Astley not out 15

Extras 37
Bengal Tigers 154/4

W Issac       2-0-29-0
T Graham 4-0-24-0
R Astley 3-0-25-0
J Avery 4-0-31-1
C Skinner 3-0-26-0

Friday, May 09, 2008


London Fields 172/5 (16 overs) Beat Norfolk Martians 64/4 (9.3 overs)

In glorious conditions, perfect for cricket, (for once), London Fields beat Norfolk Martians after they quit midway through their innings.

Winning the toss for the first time since the Elizabethan era, Fields batted first and accumulated steadily, aided generously by a series of extra’s, overthrows and misfields. Openers Robin Friend (38) and Paul Teasdale (29) reached a fifty partnership with ease, mixing big hitting and more orthodox shots as they went.

Dave Lane briefly looked in good touch, but a mini collapse was prevented from being too troublesome by Jason Lord who stroked a mature 18. Things were brought to spectacular finish by Will Isaac (31*) and Stefan Proud (13*) who found the boundary regularly as the innings reached its climax. Extra’s narrowly missed out on a top score, accruing 35 runs.

Fresh off the boat from Uspidedownsville, Tyrone ( troubled the batsmen with his pace, whilst Stefan ( teased them with his nagging line and length, Tyrone shattering one openers stumps. Will Isaac soon followed with another wicket before a spectacular run out from Paul Teasdale, with just one stump to aim at. Chris took a further wicket with his first ball, but play was halted due to the Martians declaration soon after.

Two wins out of two makes it a great start, and it was a joy playing in bright sunshine, but a disappointing finish given that almost everyone wanted to continue playing. Maybe if Norfolk Martians had brought their complete kit we could have done.

Scorecard Below…


London Fields 172/5 (16 overs)

Name How Out Runs
Robin F B 38
Paul Tea B 29
Jason L B 18
Dave L B 6
Will I NO 31
Chris S B 0
Stefan P NO 13
Tyrone G Dnb

Extras 37
TOTAL 172/5

Norfolk Martians 64/4 (9.3 overs)

Name Overs Maidens Wickets Runs RPO
Tyrone G 2 0 1 20 10.0
Stefan P 3 0 0 22 7.3
Will I 3 0 1 10 3.3
Chris S 1.3 0 1 7 5.4

London Fields won by 108 runs

Friday, May 02, 2008


Old Fallopians 69 All Out
Stefan 3/27
Dave Lane 2 wickets, Taz 1

London Fields 72/3
Robin F 31 no
Chris 15 no

London Fields win by 4 wickets

Robin Astley on our first match of the season:

With a mixture of early season eagerness, tactical nous and sheer determination to play whatever the conditions, LFCC got their midweek campaign started in the best possible way. With A WIN!

The visible panty line league was aptly monikered as the heavens opened and players wondered if they were here for cricket, rugby or a wet t-shirt competition. (Without the fringe benefits of lithe female bodies.)

Our illustrious captain true to form lost the toss and was invited to field in the ever deteriorating, inclement conditions. Down to six players things looked tricky. With the batsmen hitting cleanly, opening bowler Stefan cleverly throttled back the pace and scoring was much more difficult. Late arrivals Taz and Robin bolstered the field and immediately Stefan struck. In total he took three wickets, one a crafty slow bowled Yorker,a la Harmison v Clarke circa 2005, removing danger man Freddie and setting up a hat trick ball with the next batsman caught plumb. With sterling support from Will at the other end, quickly the old Fallopian's batting had been removed, Midweek Virgins Dave Lane and Robin F (behind the stumps) combined with on line bowling and tidy glove work for a stumping and Taz ripped them in from the other end, bowling a fallopian with a slider. Modest as ever, Taz credited the pitch.

By now every member of the team was soaked to the bone but Chris marshaled his troops and the pressure was ratcheted up on the Fallopian’s. Taz and wickey Robin F got a smart run out and then Skipper Chris took a high swirling catch to finish things off.

Set 70 on the nose to win should present no problems even in fourteen over cricket but with every fibre of the batsmen drenched, the fields still had to apply themselves. Johnny come lately Robin A opened the chase with Will and was lucky to survive a good LBW shout first ball. With a mixture of runs and byes a twenty odd partnership was added until Robin (9) was bowled trying to sweep Fallopian’s South African spinner.

Soon Will followed for 7 but had been in good touch, unluckily hitting the cover fielder with crisp drives. VPCCL debutant Robin F then made a mockery of the condition with an outstanding 31 not out in partnership with Nick Isaac (3) and a bullish 15 from captain Chris.

With only two boundaries in the innings due to the Somme like outfield, sharp running for twos and threes were the signature of a fine win in ridiculous weather, this match was even wetter than the league triumph over Coach and Horses at Springfield park last year. The total was reached with two overs to spare for the loss of three wickets.

It’s worth noting that despite the atrocious weather both captains wanted to play and never was a grumble heard, only light-hearted banter from the superbly sporting Fallopian’s. Finally a great tradition of mid week cricket was upheld with the silly hat award going to Robin F’s flat cap and jumper combo. Well done everyone.

See you next week!