New boys is not lookish so goodish

London Fields 158/5 defeated New Boys 154/4

Part time hay slasher and pig farmer Yorta Ztu reports:

I from Bulgaria just holiday one week to see cousin from uncle side (the one who run farm of spot pig in homeland) – Tyrone. He good man and respect big in home country cause has moustache (although extra bit on chin not so fashion hot). He tell me late I play cricket for team. He call me ringer. In Bulgaria this mean licky of poop part but he tell me no same here. I play not for time since 1987 after wood strike finished in Belarus and timber now can be used for to makest hit bat. I nervous.

Some men toss – I look away. New boy gets hits first and we to bowls balls. Some Englishes mens first bowls. Stefan look quick and I shitty to think to hits this speedy ball. 2 overs and new boys is hitting 16 runners. Also first is Dave – he makes 2 men go off field and Tyrone's friends to cheer him and slap bot. Also cousin is sending backs one of new boy and man in the lead of team, Will also does same. Much touching of hands and shoulders and some sneaky to bot. I is forced to throw some and cousin taked catch and new boy go back to. I having to turn much to stop mens touchy on bots.

New boy Rafu getted 51 runners and he leave for bit. Some others 27 and 28 runners. 1 new boy score no runners and he looked like prize winning pig been fall down sick sick.

Some Tyrone friends saying it dark and hard to see balls. I shitty some more cause balls hard and maybe hurt best hay slashing arm if hits it. Mens Paul and Alex wear big cushion leg and glove and putting the fake pee pee in long pants then take bats (what a country that bats been made with no strikers for timber!) and seek to “keep heads down and play self in”. This from leads man Will. I thinking this a strange game and wishing instead for game of Kurtzen houster in barn.

Open mens good start and Paul score 28 runners but Alex friend leave field with 3 runners and cousin team looking not so good. Lead Will talk loud and runners much fast but he let downed by some mens in team. Man in jeans call self Jason smelling little like Papa's potato distil party drink in barn barrel. He look best cause has mens playing crickets on tshirt but this to fool team I think cause he leave field with 2 runners and leads man drop head. Rafu new boy bowl quick and I still shitty thinking I soon to batter for cousin team. Rafu speedy bowl and small tree three of them knock down and bowler man Dave coming back to side as well. Thens I have costume and walk to Leads man Will. He telling me much of Rafu new boy and say I must keep wicket. I tighten bot hole and copy friends in team I see from side. I have funs and hay arm stay safety. Then I feels dark belly cause lead man Will have small tree three of them knock down and leave field.

Speedy bowler man Stefan come to be with me but I feels not too good. He has the hit stick with pink holder rubber. In Bulgaria he feel fist and kick from mens cause they think he poop hole ringer for pink loving. I think maybe not his bat but friends bat cause he hit balls good and mens in new boys team runs but we don't and man behind small trees wave arm like brother Holga waved goodbye after shoulder injured in wheat machine. Much claps from Tyrone my cousin and friends. I think bests to keep speedy hard balls from hay arm and swings hit stick and balls is flying much far. I runners hard like lead Will man does but much often low waving man says to me ball gone and I to stop. Ball not gone cause it come back and new boys team dropping the head and saying the words used only in Bulgaria for mens to show love of wife, like shitty, and fucker. Then new friend Stefan hit balls to field and we runner and cheering from Tyrone and friends and we stop game and people touching shoulder and hand and bot but this time not mind cause have pee pee fake and they no touch there. Some mens say thank you for hitting balls far and tells me I score 49 runners not out but I confused cause had to leave fields. Lead mans Will say we winned 158 runners they only 154 or near.

Then cousin and friends take me to pub which again remind of Papa potato barrel smell and I not sure what happening when mens all to drinked cold pee pee with the bubble but I drinks some cause cousin tell me not so bad. I is drinking many and mens is telling stories from trip to country near home – Slovenia - where lead mans Will have bot slap from cousin and friend and they say he make sound like mens do with ladies in the warm area. I sees pink on his bag of padded hands and legs things and I think things much different in Lunden then Bulgaria. Much cousins friends slapping the back when leave but I protect hay arm and they say I good ringer and I is thinking this better than washing mud from pig bot back in homelend.

Is there a team the Fields can look to outscore? Quoth the Raven, 'Nevermore!'

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

London Fields 151/3 lost to Tower Ravens 158/2 by 7 runs

Paul ‘Everything in its right place’ Teasdale Reports:

Things didn’t get off to the smoothest of starts on Wednesday night for the first league game of the second league, in the second division of the mid week season as traffic and work commitments meant the club kit couldn’t be picked up by a nameless ‘Idioteque’ shirker giving captain Will ‘A Wolf at the Door’ Isaac the job of balancing about three bags, a set of stumps and 12 juggling monkeys on his bike and race from POPT to Vicky Park for a revised 6.45 start. In the interim, the Fielders already at the ground employed the unorthodox but oft employed warm-up routine of languidly smoking fags whilst watching the opposition, in this case Tower Ravens, bullseye the stumps from 30 yards.

Reduced to 14 overs a side, and with the toss forfeited due to reasons explained above, the Ravens had no hesitation in batting first in the warm evening sunshine with the spooky psych-folk of Bat for Lashes reverberating around the park, probably sending the synesthetic Troy ‘The Tourist’ Utz into a benneton coloured, acid-trail filled hallucination. Opening for the Fields came specialist into the wind bowler Tyrone ‘Knives Out’ Graham who bowled a mix bag of fast, straight, decent stuff and… some other stuff. He did however clean bowl one of the Ravens’ openers with a ravishing beauty and was a bit unlucky with a couple of ‘close’ shouts of leg before.

From the other end and utilizing both the wind and sun at his back Arthur ‘Treefingers’ Smart, bowled a disciplined length getting some tennis ball bounce that held the aggressive batsman Kev largely in check. With the Ravens’ batters less comfortable with the pace taken off the ball, Will replaced Ty with Dave ‘Nude’ Miller who bowled his flat darts, ironically, at a decent pace. Taz almost got an immediate breakthrough with a slashed drive just too high for Dave ‘True Love Waits’ Lane fielding at backward point.

Still, the Raven’s were ticking at about 10 an over thanks largely to good running and the dispatchment of the bad ball to the boundary. On came True Love Waits as a like for like replacement for Treefingers who was unlucky not to get a wicket in his spell. Though he bowled with good flight, the Raven’s began chancing their collective arm and started targeting the tennis courts just behind the midwicket boundary. Troy fielding in the deep, did well to get to a swerving howitzer that he probably saw, heard and smelt but sadly, dropped.

With Tower Ravens finishing on 156 from their allotted over’s with 2 of their batsmen reaching 50, the Fields were left needing roughly 11 an over from their 14. Openers Paul ‘Everything in its right place’ Teasdale and ‘True Love Waits’ needed to get off to a flyer and were going at a decent lick when in a moment of cricketing savagery that Paul Collingwood would have admired, Everything in its right place- who seems to have set himself the target of running out every member of the club this season-called True Love Waits through for an ambitious second leaving him well and truly ‘High and Dry’. Apart from this early aberration, the Fields chased pretty gamely going at about 9 on over off the first 10 with ‘One Shot’ Will employing his er, one shot to good effect. However, with run out specialist Teas retired on 50 and then Treefingers getting a textbook slow yorker early on, the remaining Field’s batsmen were left with quite a lot off not very many. The Fields never-say-die attitude meant lusty blows were struck but inevitably wickets tumbled with the pressure on; Taz’s 6 off the last ball leaving the Fields 7 short of the Raven’s score.

Cue much soul searching, head scratching and later, chin stroking with this being the 6^th midweek loss on the bounce, as some of the defeated players piled into Teas’ toy car, retreating to POTP to rehydrate and display an impressive interest in a range of conversational topics that they know almost nothing about from the merits of historical revisionism concerning the Anzac involvement in WW1 and its implications on the subsequent Ashes results, to how the hell electrons know whether they are a 1 or a 0.

Scorecard to follow...